I don’t want to look at You. Well, really, the truth is that I don’t want you to look at me…at all of the junk that is rotting in my soul. But since I can’t stop You from seeing me, I just don’t want to look at You. I don’t really believe that You can handle my truth. I can’t even handle my truth. I want to pretend that You aren’t paying attention….that You only see me from a distance. I want to pretend that I don’t see what is going on in me. I’m tired. I’m angry. I’m confused. I’m lonely….so lonely. I can only talk about pieces of what is in me….or allude to it; or hide it and not talk to anyone at all. Some of what is there I am ashamed of…some of it I don’t even understand….all of it disgusts me.
I just want to hide….close off…shut down. My days are full of pretending.
I want to hide from me, from You, from people. Just hide.
I don’t WANT to see.
Why?
Because I believe that if I look at it- all of this junk- if I stare it down….or worse…if I admit it to You and to myself, it could do me in. Really. I will be judged…by You…by “them”- whoever “them” is….by me. I will be rejected. No one will understand. Especially not You. This is the lie that seems like truth to me.
If I face what is in me, it will destroy me. If I don’t, it will own me. God, what do I do?
Then I read this: “…as I pour out my soul…” (Psalm 42:4b, ESV) and my reaction is like two different people are living inside of me. One half of me says, “uh….no way…not pouring out my soul to You.” The other half of me says, “if only…..if only I could dump all of this on You…let it out…let it go….be free of it. If only. That would be heaven.”
Questions to ponder:
- What are you afraid of facing in yourself? What are you afraid of being honest with yourself about? What are you afraid of being honest with God about?
- Do you have opposing reactions inside of yourself about pouring your soul out to God? What reactions do you have?
- Check out Psalm 86: 11 and 12. In the ESV, the writer refers to uniting his heart and giving thanks with his whole heart. What would it look like to allow God to unite your heart? To make it whole? To align it with what is authentic and true? What freedom do you feel like you would experience? What feelings of resistance do you have to this, if any? Where do you suppose those feelings come from?
- What do verses 5 and 15 say about God’s character? How does He treat those who call out to Him?
- Do you resist receiving Him? Receiving His goodness, forgiveness, mercy, grace, or faithfulness? Why? Is the reason you resist based on real truth OR is it something you have decided to call truth because of how you remember or experienced some event but actually has seeds of inaccuracy when put up against scripture or God’s character?
Prayer: Read Psalm 86 as a prayer. Pour your soul out to Him without fear….or with fear….just do it. Give Him your good, your bad, and your real. Let Him in so that healing can begin.
Written by Heather Oden